Somewhere in the late '80s, as a soldier, I went to fulfill my longing to become a photographer and signed up for a "Creative Photography" course with Yaakov Bernstein. I showed up to the first class with no camera and a huge hunger in my eyes, Yaakov looked at me, baffled — how can you learn photography without a camera? — and lent me one of his own, "until you buy one," and sent us off to shoot "whatever you feel like." I came back to the second class with my modest photos. Yaakov stood there, amazed, and said to Nechama (his wife), you have to see her photos. Nechama looked at him and said to me, "You're doomed, you're here forever." I didn't understand what she meant. Throughout the course Yaakov kept showing my photos again and again to teach what a photographic eye is, mostly I was embarrassed, I didn't get what the big deal was, and I asked him what was so special about my photos? And he said, next week we'll go on a field trip and you'll see.
We went on the trip.
A week later, we presented our work again. Yaakov explained to me in front of the whole class: "You see, all of you stood in the same spot, I asked all of you to photograph the same object. Everyone's photos look pretty much the same — and yours? Different!"
I saw.
When the course ended, Yaakov asked me to sign up for the next one, I told him I was sorry, but I had no money, so he went to Nechama and asked her to let me take the course for free. Nechama, a wise woman, pointed out to him that the school was already struggling, and a course (a non-digital one) had real costs. Yaakov didn't give up, and sat and thought and tried to find a solution. Then it hit him and he told her, so she'll work here, she'll be my assistant, and that's how she'll pay for the course.
Agreed (:
I took the second course.
My partner at the time bought me a developing lab. I had a darkroom at home. I'd spend hours upon hours in there. I bought a used Nikon F2. I learned, I taught, I shot, I developed, and I grew in that magical world. Until something happened, and I could no longer get to the photography school. I moved, changed my phone number, and every day I told myself: tomorrow, tomorrow I'll go visit Yaakov. Tomorrow didn't come. A year passed. And another. And tomorrow didn't come. And then, one afternoon, tomorrow came. I went to visit Yaakov. I walked in through the school's door, Yaakov saw me and started shouting at me "Where have you been? Where have you been? Today? You're coming today?" I smiled, apologized, and he "I don't believe it!!! I've been turning the world upside down for a month trying to find you!!!" He's standing there shouting at me, not explaining, just "I don't believe it!!! Where have you been?!"
When I finally managed to get a sentence in, he said "Yesterday they left!!! Yesterday!" And then he told me. Frej had come to him about a month earlier and asked him for his three top students, he wanted to take them with him on an expedition he was going on. To Antarctica. And Yaakov had spent a month turning the world upside down to find me, so I could go on the expedition with Frej. To Antarctica. And the expedition left yesterday! I'm standing in front of him, no air, unable to speak, completely stunned. Empty of any feeling. He's shouting at me. And I'm a stone. No feeling anywhere in my body. Dead. In front of him.
I walked out of there. And a river of tears washed over me. Every cell in my brain screaming at me the world betrayed you!!! This world isn't fair. Yesterday! This world betrayed you! This world is bad! Bad! Bad!
I wandered the streets of Tel Aviv. Refusing to believe it.
I. Missed. The chance. Of my life. To go. To Antarctica.
To be on Frej's expedition. Crying myself to death.
Near dawn I got home. I could no longer bring myself to touch the camera or step into the darkroom. After another day of crying I put the camera away. I packed up the darkroom.
A year later, I sold the camera, sold the darkroom equipment. As if asking them to stop being my witnesses, day and night, to the biggest miss of my life. Yesterday! They left on the expedition. Yesterday! To Antarctica. Which I so badly want to reach. To this day, so badly.
I shelved my dream of being a photographer. Something in me was hit so hard, and it was as if I chose to punish the world and withhold my talent from it. But the joy of photography stayed planted in me through all those years, even though for many years I didn't take a single photo, I knew - one day I'd buy a camera.
And then, one day, I bought an iPhone 4.
And during one of my beach walks, while playing with the sea, I lifted my hand and photographed the heart the sea gave me.
